I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
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I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*