Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
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GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks