Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
You Might Also Like
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
“What movie?” 🤔
Anyone really
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle