If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
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At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
pls suprot
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.