*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
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Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.