Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
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When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.