[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
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Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain