So, I got banned from the toy store today…
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[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
scared to check what name she chose
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.