Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
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Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.