Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
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For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
mood
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…