A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
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Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
The three genders
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
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My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip