[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
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[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first