NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
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covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
B
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I missed you with all my darts
Perfect
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.