dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
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Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Yup
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I think my husband is beginning to suspect