goldfish mafia
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FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Pee pressure > peer pressure