“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
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me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
🙂🙃🥹
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.