The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
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SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?