I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
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In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.