*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
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Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing