8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
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At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
This can never not be funny 😭😭
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
hear me out : pockets for your socks
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.