assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
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My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
So inspired right now.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!