The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
What personal space?
My dog
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras