Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
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I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?