[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
The Book. The Movie.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
That’s classic.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…