Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
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Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Maths meets science
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.