GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
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Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
choose your gary