I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
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This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
How software testing works
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?