I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
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Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner