I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
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The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.