Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
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there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*