If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
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I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
May have had one breakfast too many
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃