I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
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Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious