The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
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them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Has science gone too far?
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday