I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
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Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Put this video in the Louvre
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”