Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
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I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.