I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
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My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I have obtained a hat
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.