Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
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[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I’m putting together a team
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?