has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
You Might Also Like
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
hmm conte-me mais
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Breaking news:
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
tourist season
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.