A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
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Never let them know your next move 😂
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
It’s the weekend y’all
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house