Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
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*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Ghost costume 😂
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Message from the dog groomers
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest