[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
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[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Cake!!
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know