I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
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Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??