Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
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You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
My dating profile:
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
*exercises sarcastically*
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days