MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
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My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?