The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
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I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.