Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
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Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.