I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
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Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.