While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
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Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Happy Caturday!
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Best seat on the street 😍
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Well, this explains it:
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some