I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
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People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna