I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
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A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.